What Love Really Looks Like

For many, love is a fairy tale. Prince charming sweeps an innocent young lady off her feet when she least expects it. They grow so close that nothing could ever pull them apart. The two love birds are unfazed by life’s challenges and their affection for each other never fails. They grow old together and tell stories about how fast they fell into each other’s eyes. Finally, they die together, completely oblivious to the feel of another person’s touch. This is the love we all dream about.

It’s an unexplainable feeling that can’t be put into words. We fall in love and become blind to the real world. We become so high off of this drug-like feeling that nothing else matters. We are convinced we’ve found the person God made just for us. No matter what road we want to take when talking about this tangled web called “love”, it always seems like we can never say enough about that fairy tale feeling we have in our hearts. However, the reason this is just a story is because, no matter how badly we want to live this way, the world will never let us. Supposedly.

In reality, almost every relationship starts the same way. We become captivated by another, and the rush of excitement trumps almost every other thing going on in our life. We have a burning desire to go deeper and take the next step, and we begin to learn more about each other. This is where the complications begin. Fights happen, and trust is put to the test. Flaws become visible and can lead to major strain on the relationship. After a few months, we hit a brick wall. We have to decide whether we want to look past the mistakes and bet on love, or move on to something that “works better” for us. This is where many relationships come to an end. Despite how much we think we love each other, we can’t look past the disagreements that led us to getting hurt. The grass seems greener on the other side, and we ultimately decide to part ways.

The perception that love is simple and easy going couldn’t be further from the truth. Love is a complicated mess of feelings and misunderstandings. Mistakes are inevitable. We are bound to mess up. But this doesn’t mean we are unbothered or don’t care. It simply means we are still learning. Eventually, as time goes by, we learn how to compromise with each other. We learn to communicate our feelings and to be vulnerable. We must also take on a supportive role and adapt to the challenges we face outside the relationship. Because of this, we must learn to love and care for each other unconditionally. We learn about each other’s past, our families, and the things that still haunt us. Love comes with a lot of baggage. But we need to be okay with piling it all on our own shoulders if it means taking the stress off of each other for a while. That’s what being in love means. It means taking the blows for someone who may not be able to take any at the time. It means staying up late and waiting for someone to make it home safe because we can’t sleep without that reassurance. It also means not being able to stay mad at each other for more than a day, even when we’re hurt.

It seems like a lot to take in, but it really doesn’t get any more basic. This only scratches the surface of what a long-term relationship looks like. Trying to put this foreign emotion into words is almost impossible. Trying to make it work with someone can be even more confusing. But maybe we were never meant to explain those feelings in the first place.

What if love wasn’t hard? What if we went through every day without batting an eye at those feelings “we can’t explain”? What if every interaction was perfect and brought no complications? Sure it would make things simple and take a lot of pressure off our shoulders. However, there’s one concern I have about this concept. Would it really be true love?

We believe the perfect person is meant to bring no complications. True love is supposed to flow effortlessly, and everything is supposed to be easy. If we’ve truly found the right person for us, then surely the problems that seem to be inevitable in every relationship will disappear, right? Not surprisingly, it doesn’t really work this way. Even when we have found the “perfect partner”, adversity will still be a part of our relationship. There will be arguments and disagreements. There will be moments when we will hurt each other, and we will feel like things need to change. No matter how in love we may think we are, there will always be problems that arise. This is because there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. No matter how much it seems to suck, this is the unavoidable part of love we have to accept. There will be moments when we feel like the relationship isn’t worth the trouble. Or maybe not.

I believe love is defined by the messy parts. It’s best represented by what we do with the adversity in our relationship. True love isn’t anything close to perfect. In fact, I believe the purest form of love is the exact opposite. We can’t combat the fact that we are going to fail to live up to expectations. We are going to slip up and hurt each other as well. However, true love is meant to be unconditional. No matter how many times we fail each other, our love is measured by how we respond to mistakes. Do we choose to turn away to avoid getting hurt? Or do we choose to stay because the opportunity to share something special is worth the pain?

It can be a scary decision to make. However, when we decide to bet on love instead of betting on correction, we give our relationship an opportunity to blossom. Of course, there are exceptions to this. There are times when we may have to choose ourselves over unfair treatment. However, outside of the obvious boundaries that should never be crossed, I believe we should always be willing to risk heartbreak for the chance to experience something beautiful. Something that can’t be put into words. A feeling that makes time slow down and life feel like a fairy tale. The chance to learn what love really looks like.

I believe God intended for love to look this way. He wanted it to be complex so we could appreciate the good moments even more. True love is worth the pain of getting hurt. Being able to care for someone despite life throwing the kitchen sink at us is a privilege that may come once in a lifetime. It’s a blessing to build something special with the person who is meant for us. While there are no guarantees, opening ourselves completely to one another gives the relationship the greatest opportunity for growth. Jumping into the deep end and learning to swim is intimidating, but we have to remember that we are going through it together. When we connect through our love for one another, that is when we learn how to put each other first. The pain of adversity becomes a shared emotion and feelings are almost impossible to hide. We are giving up every secret about ourselves in exchange for the unknown. Many roads lead to heartbreak, but many others lead to lasting happiness. The ability to experience this foreign feeling called “love” will always be worth life’s greatest challenges.

In reality, there is no guarantee our relationship will last. People grow apart and they have to make decisions for themselves. Even when two people seem to mesh perfectly, sometimes things just don’t work out. It’s the hardest thing in the world to accept. Watching the person we’ve spent every minute with drift away is devastating. The thoughts that drown our mind about what could have been suck even more. However, it’s in these moments that we learn things about ourselves that we never knew were there.

Love brings the best out of us. We learn what we’re good at, along with what we desperately need to fix. We learn how much we’re willing to change for the person we care about the most. When love is on the line and trust is broken, how far are we willing to go to make things right? We are given a chance to create a version of ourselves that will last forever. The lessons we learn from being in love will stick with us for the rest of our life. Even when our efforts can’t save the relationship, what we became will always be with us.

The pain we feel post relationship will take us even further. For a time, it will be harder than ever to take control of our thoughts and focus on the priorities in our life. However, when we learn to accept the fate of loss and move on to the fate of who we can be, then the pain will start to fade. It’s hard to move on to the next chapter, but we should be happy we got to experience love and not be sad that it’s over. The best part is being able to look back and watch ourselves become the person God intended us to be. Someone we are proud of. The person we would have never become without love.

In the end, these are the brightest memories of our lives. Love is a journey shared by two people pursuing happiness. Being able to experience the adversity and emotions that come with love is beautiful. Even during the toughest moments, true love is worth every second of the struggle. It’s worth the tears, the arguments, and the sleepless nights we stayed up thinking about what we did wrong. It takes time to realize this, but love is one of the toughest things God can give us, but it’s also the most inspiring. However, the difference between the love we think we will receive and what love truly looks like is like night and day.

So, what does love look like to you? To me, it’s a disaster. Controlled chaos that can go up in flames at any second and leave you speechless. An unexplainable phenomenon that makes you think fairy tales are real. However, no matter how many pages I write, love can look completely different from your point of view. That’s the beauty of it all. It’s not a debate about what it is or isn’t. It’s an emotion that leaves a lasting impression on anyone who is lucky enough to experience it. It’s a gift that needs to be handled with care. It truly is the best that life has to offer.

That is what love really looks like.

E.C. Ronning